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Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain In response to Republican attacks, Barack Obama unleashed a series of slightly negative ads that gently point out how McCain could be doing a better job. |
McCains Economic Plan For Nation: 'Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress' McCain pointed to his personal success in marrying a wealthy beer heiress to prove how the plan could benefit every American. |
Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, you’ll barely be able to tell they have no souls. |
Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career 'Cum Inside' star Jennica St. Foxx is receiving heavy criticism for using a racial slur in her latest film. |
Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line The Onion News Network's Brian Scott reports on a popular new Gap clothing line hand-sewn by children overseas. |
'No Values Voters' Looking To Support Most Evil Candidate Both candidates are stepping up their efforts to attract crucial 'no values voters' by abusing animals and murdering the elderly. |
Panda Demands Abortion National Zoo's giant panda Yun Mei has set off a storm of protest. The Onion News Network's Brian Scott tells you why. |
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Breaking News: Something Happening In Haiti Important news out of Haiti's capital today. The Onion's Don Abrams reports live. |
Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013 Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out. |
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| Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, you’ll barely be able to tell they have no souls. |
| Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain In response to Republican attacks, Barack Obama unleashed a series of slightly negative ads that gently point out how McCain could be doing a better job. |
| Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line The Onion News Network's Brian Scott reports on a popular new Gap clothing line hand-sewn by children overseas. |
| Panda Demands Abortion National Zoo's giant panda Yun Mei has set off a storm of protest. The Onion News Network's Brian Scott tells you why. |
Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics Organizations hope to make youth see importance of getting prime parking spaces or a new desk lamp. |
| Breaking News: Something Happening In Haiti Important news out of Haiti's capital today. The Onion's Don Abrams reports live. |
Messages From Our Troops To The Families They Can Barely Remember In this Onion News Network special feature, our soldiers stationed abroad remind us there's still a war going on. |
Mean Automakers Dash Nation's Hope For Flying Cars Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars. |
| Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013 Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out. |
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Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening. |
Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city's annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row. |
U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters Have you lost something? The U.S. Department of Lost and Found helps Americans find their misplaced possessions. |
Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass' Despite arguments against capital punishment, the Justices overwhelmingly approved its use, especially if they get to participate in some executions. |
2-Year-Old Donkey Called Up To Pro Donkey Basketball League Scouts say Scraps is the best donkey basketball player they have seen in years, but some are concerned he’s not mature enough for the big time. |
Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South Texas residents are relieved that the deadly Category 5 storm just missed them, destroying a horn-shaped land mass south of them instead. |
U.S. Department Of Lost And Found: We Found Your Flip Flop If you've lost something, the U.S. Dept. of Lost and Found can help you find it. This week's featured items: a flip flop and a book. |
Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk' The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn. |
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Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement? Panelists discuss whether animals should play a more active role in the fight for their rights by participating in marches or organizing boycotts. |
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